Attachment II: home and hearth
29 January, 2013
I’m being kicked out of my home. We’ve done nothing wrong, no rent arrears or anything, but my landlady has given my home to her darling daughter, (Princess) Fiona. Although they own a massive farm, an industrial park, a waste dump and a laundry and at least 15 rental farm cottages, some of which are even empty; (Princess) Fiona decided that she wanted mine. Possibly, it’s in part due to the fact that I’ve repainted it, re-carpeted it and turned a run-down old cottage into a home; one she liked, a lot.
When I got the letter I cried. Then I rang Dolly Fish who is always there for me, as a single parent she can’t afford to go out. She calmed me down. Ok, maybe she didn’t actually make me laugh, not that I’m complaining or anything, but she’s studying comedy at University now and they haven’t got to the “being funny” module yet, so it’s not allowed. They grade them at Comedy Uni like this;
Absolutely Hilarious – (First). Careers include senior management in either the NHS or Local Government and designing high-end fashion.
GSOH – (roughly equates to a 2:1). Career options include; Big Brother contestant, WWE wrestler or Dentist.
Lol – (2:2) Careers include receptionist at a doctor’s surgery, car parking attendant and Jehovah Witness.
Fun! – (Third). Career: Page 3 girl or Christian rock band.
Jim Davidson – (Fail). Graveyard attendant.
The next nightmare on the moving scene was breaking it to the kids. I approached it positively. I explained about (Princess) Fiona and told them that it was nice for her (to steal our home) and we should feel happy when good things happen (even to bad people), cos then it means good things might also happen in our lives. Then I asked them where they wanted to live. We have three choices Witney to the West of us, Eynsham to the East or stay in this village and move three doors down, to one of the houses that wasn’t good enough for (Princess) Fiona. Their answers were as follows:
Asha: “This village”
Dumb question or what?