A Life of Crime.

18 April, 2020

“A steep drop in reported crime!”  Just one of the of the positive knock-on effects of the Covid-19 shutdown, the Guardian shouted, the other day*.   Chief constable Andy Cooke, lead for the National Police Chiefs Council, stated that (reported) crime has fallen up to 20% during the quarantine.  Now, I don’t want to rain on his parade,  I’m all for the Police; I’ve called them out, and on occasion and they’ve called me in.  We’re like neighbours, or exes.  But it does seem to me, that if no-one is allowed out, there’s no drinking in public, no football matches, no nightclubs, no shops to shoplift, no innocents on the streets to stab or rape, our homes are too busy for burglaries, then what the hell are all the criminals doing, to stay so freakin’ busy?  How are those maleficent millennials conducting 80% of their dastardly deeds? Obviously, there’s an increase in domestic incidences, but one of their sad characteristics, is under reporting; so they are proportionately less likely to skew the numbers significantly upwards.  So what the heck is going on?

I found the actual figures in crime rises and drops for 2019, from the Office for National Statistics, (I’ve helpfully added my predictions in the next column for the shutdown).

CrimeActual ONS figuresMy Quarantine Almanac 2020
Computer misuse-17%90%
Criminal damage and arson17%-85%
Domestic violence0 +/-99%
Homicide-4%-40%
Public order offences16%-90%
Robbery/theft11%-40%
Sexual Offences0 +/--30%
Vehicle theft-2%-99%
Burglary-3%-99%
Knife crime8%-80%
Firearms3%-90%
Fraud17%+20000% (5G installing, paedophile, new world order, big Pharma madatory vaccinations/human micro-chip)

So how is crime affected by the shutdown?  Back to friendly, neighbourhood copper, Chief Constable Andy Cooke; who says that the shutdown has made it harder for drug addicts to shoplift, (shame) which is how they have traditionally funded their habits.  I bet they’re ruing the day the ole VCR/DVDs went out of fashion.  International conglomerates, like Bezos and Gates, keeping us safe, once again; this time it’s “thank-you Netflix”.  No longer an easy trip through a living room window and down to Cash Converters for a quick £20, for your bag-o-brown.  What are the drug addled to do?  Is there going to be a glut in the supply chain?  Will the country reopen to find a new ski-slope attraction in the West End, made entirely from cocaine stockpiles?  Will heroin addicts be forced to detox, cold turkey style at home, through lack of supply?  Changing their life of grime, to a life spent appeasing their guilty consciences, performing “uplifting” plays for children, about how drugs are bad.  Just say “no” – no more moralising theatre, or worse still; mime classes for kids.  Spewing a generation of irritating freaks, pretending to peek around invisible walls?


Which brings us to my no 1 fav criminal of the moment; Ruja Ignatova, born in Bulgaria in 1980, (grew up in Germany), married to a lawyer and had one daughter.  Ever heard of her?  There’s a pic, below.  So tell me, what do you think she did?  Trafficked illegal, low paid workers from Bulgaria?  Killed her lover, so her husband wouln’t find out? Bribed her kid’s way into the best preschool? Keep guesssing…..

Ruja Ignatova

Ruja, the clever-little-thing, has a PhD in law; she created and owned the block chain currency, “One Coin”.  A few years ago, it was a strong contender alongside Bitcoin, in the ole emerging crypto-currency markets.  One Coin was global, and it was very popular, sycophantic articles about her brilliance, were published in all the big finance magazines.  Her company operated a marketing model where investors were paid commission, to bring in more investors.  Ruja, despite her heady education, completely forgot to set up one important element of her currency; it’s blockchain.  (Oops).  Which unfortunately, meant that it wasn’t a crypto-currency after all. (Oops).  Instead, its was just a plain, ole pyramid selling scam. (Oh no!)

When her brother was arrested by the FBI, for his part in it all, he said that she’d only intended to get a few million, then quit; but organised crime networks found out about it and took over.  Blowing it up to epic proportions, she remained the front man, way more terrified of them than the Feds, and the whole thing snowballed out of control.  Eventually, with the Feds, luke warm on her trail, wanted in every country in the world; she stepped off a plane in Bulgaria and vanished – with a fortune estimated at USD $4 billion and that’s not even counting the USD $267m, the Chinese got back from her (1.7m Yen).  Yep, she’s even got the balls to rip-off the Chinese government.  She’s on the “most wanted” list, from Norway to Samoa.  Unconfirmed sources suggest, she’s living in disguise in Frankfurt (shhh, don’t tell anyone).  And with a bit of surgery, she’ll probably remain in hiding until blockchain security in the future, forces forged IDs into daylight.  Right now, she’s probably disguised as a Bulgarian cleaner, invisibly wandering the Interpol offices, with a vacuum cleaner and duster, wiping away her files.**

Ruthless; masked criminals during the quarantine