In the spirit of Mother Theresa, selflessly helping the disadvantaged, it was a mere month ago I set up my (online) food kitchen. An updated twist on traditional food kitchens for the poor. My modern approach, harnesses all the benefit of technology and brings it straight to the needy. Exactly the same as the old fashioned types, focussing on bulky, nutritious, low cost foods, with one notable exception – there is no need to traipse to a city centre location to collect it. You simply buy the ingredients (instead of heroin) and cook it yourself (instead of crack). In daily life, I deal with various mental health issues (helper, not client, thank you very much), so over the years, I have developed a keen eye for the useless guy. Reader, I married him.
Today, I’m focussing on those less fortunate than myself (Again? you cry). Yep, I’ve spent ages working on ways to help bring healthy eating to those lost in gaming addictions, the never-be-home-owners with bed-head hair. Without basic cooking skills, they survive on fast food (avocado on toast), which is all they can afford on their meagre tech salaries. Never fear, Yah mo be there. You know that song is spelled “Yah” because it refers to Yahwey (God). It’s not slang for “I will be there”, because most likely I will not be there, but you can access my content virtually; just like you can access god virtually, by praying.
To the rescue – here I am….(not). For the past month, I’ve posted a daily dhal recipe on FB, affordable, quick (7 mins), wholesome (like me…) and nutritious. It’s been a massive success with a staggering 84 followers on the Facebook page. (Suck that up Gordon Ramsey, If you ran my figures through the statistical frameworks, used by the Government, mine is a massive achievement; bigger and better than any achievement ever before). I’ve been inundated with a request for information on a recipe. I’m just giving you the heads-up, if this blog goes mysteriously quiet, then it’s not necessarily because I’ve returned to my normal laziness; I might be accepting an Honorory Doctorate at Harvard, opening a Youth Detetion Centre, or giving the Queen some advice on her children – (get their memories wiped and have them all secretly adopted). All in a day’s work…..
Speaking of secret adoption, did you know Charles and Camilla have a secret love child, living in Australia? Simon Charles Dorante-Day. Just the fact that he’s so far away, adds weight to his claims. If were the Queen, I’d make sure that kid was as far away as possible, in case he raised an army and came charging at my throne. Don’t mock, it’s happened before and the Queen knows it. Monarchs learn all about this stuff, as a Prince or Princess, at the Royal Kumon after-school club. Queenie isn’t as young as she used to be, so she’s got to use all her wit and wisdom, (which isn’t mentioned at all in the National Anthem) to cunningly hang on to the crown. Obviously, the further away the imposter, the longer his or her charge towards the throne will be. So, it’s far more likely that the imposter’s horse is going to slow down for a quick sip in a roadside trough, or stop to nick its own hay from a nearby field along the way. Once that happens, Queenie, who will be stalking them from her (camouflaged) carriage, will have one of her footmen fling open the door, so she can fall on the imposter (not the ground), with her walking-stick-that-converts-to-a-sword and impale the “pretender”, thus saving the Monarchy, as we know it. Then her battalions of soldiers, who were hiding behind her carriage, can run around and capture the enemy’s steed, so she can celebrate her victory with a nice day at the races, and a new horse.
I’ve just got to talk about Charles and Camilla’s illegitimate eldest son, Simon Charles Doris-Day. True story; he scored a virtual, live interview on Good Mornin’ Britain with Phil and Holly, broadcast from his home in Australia. This was cut short when his wife appeared behind him. Not that her appearance was so horrific, in her nightie and face cream at 3am (local time) that they had to immediately cut to ads. That would be cruel and heartless and not what we expect of Phil and H. No, it was because in Simon’s biggest moment on live UK prime time, she stood behind him and shouted “Stop treating indigenous people like shit.” They cut to ads; not because they are indifferent to the struggles of minorities – god knows Phil’s had his struggles and enjoyed them very much. But because she used her potty mouth at Phil and H and that, is totally unacceptable. Can you imagine what their marital row was like afterwards? His big chance to gain a following by all the unemployed conspiracists in the UK. And his own wife is blackmailed by MI5, to discredit him, on live TV. MI5 probably threatened one of his (nine) children, so what was his wife supposed to do? She had to think of the kids – unlike Charles and Camilla.
Anyway, the Daily Dhal page is going really well, except I’ve eaten so much dhal, I woke up feeling completely sick and completely sick of dhal. I’m going to have to start posting stock photos, stolen from t’internet of dhal and pretend I made it. Or, maybe I’ll start buying it from the local Indian takeaway, photographing it in my kitchen, then donating it to the poor; until I can stomach it again. I’m basically hiding at home, expecting the Daily Mail to do an expose on me, any day. Obviously, I know I’ve let you down, I’ve let my public down, but most important of all, I’ve let myself off the hook. Charles & Camilla, I know exactly how you feel, it’s tough at the top.
