With the boring divorce of Alimony-Amber Heard and Johnny No-Finger Depp, I thought an article on divorce, might be helpful. Soothing the souls of the soon-to-be single; giving the miserably married, motivation. And other alliterations, that I frankly, can’t be bothered to think about. I’ve noticed a negative stigma attached to divorce, which began historically with Henry the VIII. All the medieval feminists thought his divorce was really horrendous, until he stopped divorcing and started beheading. At which point they back-tracked and decided divorce was in fact, a progressive and empowering situation for women. Rather than see divorce as a bitter agony, exemplified by petty bickering in the legal system – which was covered by this here blog some years ago in this informative article, I”d like to look at the other side of divorce, which I will summarise as, “freedom”.
The other important cultural phenomena which precedes a divorce is called, marriage. Which is encouraged by reality TV shows like, “Say Yes to the Dress”. Which I often never watch. Have you seen it? Here’s the premise. A soon-to-be bride arrives at a shop filled with cloud like dresses, some have sparkles, or drip with diamonte beads and some leave absolutely nothing to the imagination. The Puffy-White-Cloud shop has the instant effect of regressing any intelligent, career-minded woman back to her five year old self. She may be standing in the shop, however intellectually she is now playing with pretty dolls and watching cartoons about Princes and Princesses. Her IQ is playing hide and seek in the puffy white skirts.
The show then introduces us her 15 closest family and friends in her bridal party, which include her Mum, some of her stepmums, her sisters, the groom’s mum and sisters, 12 bridesmaids, the Maid of Honour, two turtle doves, Cinderella and the Fairy Godmother. They all come with opinions, the only important one is her mum. For two reasons;
- The Mothers have a fairly consistent opinion on wedding dresses, which is; put your cleavage away and wear something “ladylike”. This is because kind ole Mum doesn’t want Jesus feeling bad about his puncture wounds, so they want to keep the inflation devices hidden in church. It is absolutely nothing to do with your Mum worrying pervy Uncle Pete, from your Dad’s side of the family, is coming to the wedding.
- Mum is the only person who has saved enough small coins in a very large jar to afford the deposit on this dress. Keep her sweet, if you want her to cash in her pension to pay the balance.
Five year old bride-brain, has lost her hitherto concept of money, a future, buying-a-house and value. The “budget” for this dress is then discussed. If Bride-brain mentions anything in the $1500 range, everyone sighs and looks at her with really sad eyes, because everyone knows you can’t have a cloudy-dress for money like that. A pity party ensues, until of the sales-assistants encourage the bride to just “try” a $2m cloudy dress, “for fun”. Like opiates to an addict, once that cloud envelopes her body, she’s hooked. The bride is high on the ecstasy of the moment, dancing around amongst the clouds ,where one day about six months after the wedding, she’ll reunite with her brain. Roadies in black leather waistcoats, are kept in the alley behind the shop, to wheel brides out to their mums and entourages. They inch her onto a sack trolly (you can’t walk in the dress, you have to fly) and present her to the waiting crowd – who always gasp. Because, despite having seen her most days for the past 30 years of her life, no-one imagined she could so as attractive as a cloud. At this point, cloud brain infects everyone in the room, her mum immediately puts her house up for sale, because her little girl has never looked so beautiful. With ESP skills beyond Yuri Gellar, both mum and daughter simultaneously remember dreaming about this dress, for the whole of their lives. Crying, her mum says, “It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, to dress up lovely for the day. I won’t even need a house, because I’ll just move in with Whitney and her lovely new hubby.” This is the real reason grooms are banned from wedding dress shops. Recently unearthed fossilised remains, shows an early man being chased by a line of early women holding wedding artefacts. Archeologists believe he thew himself into the jaws of a passing Tyrannosaurus Rex, who obliged, even though it wasn’t hungry. T. Rex had wisely spent lunchtime lurking outside the Birken bag cave, where fleeing men were two-a-penny.
Top 10 divorce tips;
- Get your future partner to write the entire prenup;
This is a great way of seeing beyond the rose tinted glasses of the here and dreamy now. Play dumb and ask you partner to draw up the agreement in full and read what they’ve put in there. Use it as a tool to see who you are really marrying. What are their underlying values – towards you; about money; how do they want see their future, their children’s lives? If you don’t like the terms, don’t waste money going back and forth with lawyers, or being gaslit until you sign it. Sign-up for Tinder instead. That person is not going to change all that much. If they don’t play fair now, they never will. Remember, this is but a doorway to the rest of your life. Slam it shut and move on.
2. The secret of divorce; no-one will tell you when you’re married.
No one ever regrets it. In the oh-so-many clients I have had who were divorced, I have only ever had one client who regretted it. He had gambled on his wife forgiving his infidelity (again) and lost – his wife, house, dog, kids etc. I’m not saying people don’t regret the outcome of divorce; maybe financially, or how it’s impacted contact with their children etc. But seldom does someone regret shedding their “other-half”.
3. Divorce will leave you poorer.
There is only a handful of families in the world better off after divorce and those people make it onto the pages of the Daily Mail, every single time. Even though 99.9% of real families face some degree of financial hardship, relative to life they lived before, divorce is constantly presented in the media as a money-making option.
4. What price is freedom?
Ok, you may not have gebillions in the bank, but you are free and with freedom comes motivation and a sense of control of your own destiny. Priceless.
5. Divorce is bad for children.
I don’t disagree. A loving stable partnership is best for children and I wholeheartedly encourage you to stay in it, if that’s what you have. With divorce everyone has a bad year, then everyone starts to recover and settle down. Many of my adult clients clearly remember countless evenings as a child, sitting at the top of the stairs, listening to their parents fighting. Anxious and distressed, often shielding younger siblings from the conflict, the effect is significant. I believe this is damaging, especially if it occurs over a prolonged period of time. If you marriage sounds like this, it’s time to take yourselves to an evening class together. Book a babysitter and join a boxing class where you can work out your resentments in an appropriate, safe environment.
6. Do not marry a pirate.
Joint marital assets will be hidden on an offshore Island under a giant “X”. Despite asking for a copy of the map, you will normally be issued a fake. Even upon finding the correct location, there will be huge hole (in your bank account) and you will never find the chest of gold.
7. Be careful if you have scissor-hands, your partner may falsity injuries and blame them on you.
8. Give your kids and your pets stupid names, so-much-so that your partner is too embarrassed to ask for them in court.
10. The End
