With Special Guest Darrly Kennedy, HMP*
I was daydreaming across t’internet today, when I came across an article written in The Sun newspaper, by a profession burglar called Darrly Kennedy. He gives us his top tips on how to protect our homes from theft. Explaining to The it-must-be-true Sun, that he has seen the (security) lights go on inside his mind and he is helpfully (trying to win himself a place on parole) handing out anti-burglary top tips, like Santa hands out presents. The Sun says Darrly, “had a long career breaking into homes all over the world.” And, “The father-of-four claims to have learnt his trade from his dad who was also a career burglar.” Bet his ole Dad’s proud, 50 years in the “trade” and then he turns into a grass. When it came to Awards Day at school and the all the big silver trophies had gone missing, from the display case, did he get applause for outstanding effort? Sad to say, says The Sun, he’s another hard working English bloke, forced out of his job, by t’government and it’s namby-pamby rules, what to speak of the Health and Safety Executive – don’t even get The Sun started on them.
HSE official: “Excuse me Mr Kennedy, (HSE official shouts up to factory roof). Get down from that roof immediately.
Mr K: “Oh sorry gov, a genuine mistake, wrong address, these factories all look the same to me.” (He climbs down, pulls his black balaclava off. Whistling, he walks towards his car.)
HSE official: “Not so fast, haven’t we met before?”
Mr K: “No, nope, I’ve just arrived from er, The Ukrainium, I’m an illegal immigrant. No Engerlish, sorry guv.”
HSE official: “Are you sure about that?”
Mr K: “Si, si, no speaky Englisher”
HSE official: “You’re Darryl Kennedy Junior, aren’t you? Darrly Kennedy Senior’s son. I caught you stealing a digger on the M25 and I fined you for not wearing a hi-viz vest. Now this? What would your old man say? god-rest-his-thieving-soul”
Mr K: “You’ve got me guv.” He hangs his head in shame. “I’ve let my Pa down.”
HSE: “Where is your white, British Standard BS EN 397, hard hat?”
Mr K: “ It’s in the wash. I was just tellin’ the missus I needs it, when I left the house this evening. She says she’s only gone and washed it. Well, I was waiting around for it to dry and I says to her, be daylight by the time that’s ready. So I gets going without it. Then you comes along, and I thinks, just my effing luck – the one time I dusnt have it on me. I practically lives in it, I does – that’s how it got so dirty.”
HSE: “Commendable that someone in your household is maintaining and cleaning equipment. Take this fully compliant hard hat, a spare. What if you fell and banged your head? Got kids at home, son? Depending on you are they?”
Mr K. “Sorry guv. Right proud of my kids I am. I’d do anyting for them, Darryl Junior-Junior, is up there right now, cutting the cables on that fancy alarm system. He’s a clever lad, that one, brighter than me.”
HSE: “Cutting cables at height?” I trust he’s complying with The Working at Height Regulations 2005 SI 2005/735? And if you’re in a supervisory role, that white hat is no good to you. You’re going to need a BS EN 397 hard hat in black. (Snatches white helmet from Darryl’s head; who looks disappointed).
This goes on ad infinitum…..
Anyway, back to the Snitch, Darrly Kennedy. He’s turned his life around in the Witness Protection Programme and now he;s going to help us stay safe from theft, top bloke. He’s come up with some life changing insider-tips for keeping you house safe from burglars:
- Concealing your items da-da-daaaaa. “The ex-burglar says that buying a beanbag with a zip is a great way to keep your jewellery, cash and other valuables safe as no one thinks to check it. According to Darryl, putting the beanbag in a kids bedroom is ideal to throw burglars off the scent.”
So get your Rolex, put it in a bean bag in your kid’s bedroom and expect nothing bad to happen to it. This is a prime example of the damage the criminal justice system does to families. Darrly Jnr, has clearly spent a lot his time, literally doing-time. Darrly evidently, knows zero about raising his four children. Anyone who imagines a Rolex or any other type of valuable, is safe anywhere near a kid’s bedroom, is having a psychotic breakdown and losing their grip on reality. A precious item is has a better chance of survival, used as a drill tip on an deep sea oil rig, than surviving in a kid’s bedroom. Trust me, only plastic toys from China, that cost 2p, equipped with more decibels than Glastonbury Festival, survive indefinitely in a kid’s room. The younger the kid, the higher the chance they will randomly discover a carefully hidden valuable, in your house, (exactly) like a seek and destroy missile. In fact, guided missiles only came into development after one of the lead scientists had a toddler. This was when the true meaning of weapons of mass destruction was discovered. (In 1959, American Military Command started a Top Secret project called Operation Tantrum. Thousands of genetically engineered toddlers were dropped over enemy lines, too cute to kill, but with absolutely zero empathy or conscience about their actions – the perfect combatants. The war stopped abruptly 1975, when the enemy returned fire. Unbenown to the US Military, the Vietnamese had raised the toddlers, in secret camps, indoctrinated them with TV, coca-cola, sugary foods and guns. “A perfect storm” said General Battleship Galatica, we have no known form of defeence. These child rearing camps operated hidden in plain sight, all over the USA, disguised as regular High Schools. At 16, the kids were released and left to destroyed the moral fabric of the country. This marked the sudden end fighting abroad and a painful lesson learned for the US of A.)
There is gene in the human child, (Chromosome FU) specifically for finding and destroying precious items. The “finding” half of gene, switches off permanently in boys, around 14 years of age. Nowadays, when I’m invited to a baby shower, I gift the happy couple a sledge hammer and take time showing the soon-to-be parents how to destroy all their expensive items. Thus, I know they’ll never have to shout at their little treasure. A quick tap to their flat screen TVs, neatly batting a digital camera into next door’s pond, the crack of a toilet basin and a nailing a few of the car stereo buttons deep inside the dsahboard. I’ve saved these lucky families countless arguments and heartbreak; ensuring that child a truly happy start in life.
Back to Darrly-the-Snitch, who continues with his incredibly bad advice, saying;
“The first thing I would do after breaking into a house is go to the master bedroom. It’s the first thing any burglar thinks of – it’s where all the valuables are. They don’t want kids clothes.”
Again a prime example of how Daddy Darrly has clearly never bought a teenager a pair of trainers. He’s living in the 1950s where people bought kids cheap shoes and invested in heirloom rings. How the tables have turned while he’s been locked up. Nowadays, we stash our hard earned cash into our kids’ trainers. A rack full of dosh, sitting right there by the back door, bet you never thought of looking there Darrly? You’re missing a trick, my son.
If you need any more top tips for fighting crime, I suggest you don’t ask Darryl, who’s been imprisoned four times. Clearly, he’s no expert; try someone with a better success rate, like Ashata “duty-free” Munthy, or her husband, Rishi “new-rules” Sunak.
xxxx
*Her Majesty’s Pleasure – not a royal gigolo (god-save-the-queen) but an endearing term meaning, locked up in prison.
