The Inverse Law of Common Sense: Handbags

17 December, 2012

The inverse Law of Common Sense for handbags is:

The bigger the price of the bag, the smaller the size of the brain.

Or, the proportionate relationship can be expressed as:

As the price of the bag increases, so the distance between the buyer and reality also increases

The only exception to this rule is the woman who walked out of the Ralph Lauren store in New York, with a $25,000 handbag on her arm; without paying for it.  Obviously, I’m not condoning stealing in anyway (er?).  But, I just gotta love her nerve, for sticking a bag worth $25,000 on her arm, shoving her chewing gum and a spare hanky in it and walking out the door.  I know I should write about the morality of stealing, the effect of bad karma (blah blah boring blah), but honestly, it really makes me laugh.  Personally, if I were to steal something, (which I’m not going to), it certainly wouldn’t be a designer handbag.  I’d probably go for an aeroplane, which I would then smash to pieces on take-off (I can’t fly).  I mean I could also hold a pilot hostage to fly me away, but there would probably come a point when I’d have to “end” him, so he didn’t tip the police off about my identity and secret hideout.  Unless, of course we flew to an unknown island where he went from hating me, to a Stockholm syndrome type love with him totally understanding where I’m coming from (Stansted).  Then he and I would use trickery and hi-jinks to steal planes from all over the world (except from Ryan Air – cos even thieves have standards y’know).  In time, we’d become legendary pirates of the sky and by using one of those things that blows white smoke out of a plane’s bum and we’d fly high above the cops writing clever clues about our next heist in sky-smoke.

sky writing

Together, we overcame his dyslexia

Until one day, through an error based on an act of chivalry, like helping an old lady cross the Atlantic, my pilot partner would be unfairly snared by Interpol and led into murderous trap by the  “authorities”.  At this point my whole world would fall apart.  I would attend his funeral (in disguise) and get caught and imprisoned for 10,000 years for my life of crime.  Prison would only become bearable when I found out I was carrying his unborn child.  This would renew my inner strength, I would start to fight for the freedom of his child and, against all the odds, eventually win.  Otherwise, I’d probably steal a staple gun. I’ve always really wanted one and I just can’t bring myself to part with £29 to have one.  I know I’m only going to use it for two days – till the novelty wears off.  Then I’m going to spend two years pulling half staples out of everything in my house.  Also, I’d do a lot less time for a staple gun, than for a series of plane-jackings.

So, back to handbags.  If petty criminals stopped reading the Sun and instead had their full-english reading a fancy magazine where the women actually had clothes on; they might pick up on the fact that it’s the bag, not the contents, that’s really on-the-money these days.  Take this one (no, don’t I mean it literally, I am not teaching you to steal).  So how much do you think this is worth?

FI/BAGa) £25?

b) £200?

c) £500?

Or, (here comes a teensy clue)   d)  £42,000?

If you guess it right you can win it, just pop down the Louis Vuitton Store in Sloane Square and collect it yourself from off the stand at the front, er, try not to let anyone see you.

I did some research on handbags and the women with the most expensive handbags are the Welsh, followed by Londoners.  Now, I for one, find this a little hard to believe.  I mean, it’s not like Wales is rammed full of high earning, power dressing, Sex and the City type women.  I’ve been on holiday to Wales loads of times and I don’t remember passing the Lanvin store in Llandudno or the Chloe shop in Conway (oh, unless it’s an outlet).   Maybe, there is Mulberry flagship in the Mumbles, or, perhaps the insurance industry should just ask for receipts when claims are submitted.  Insurers, Cornhill Direct, have issued these important tips for minimizing loss if your handbag is stolen.

“Cornhill listed other items that can increase the value of a handbag, such as a purse, diary and an umbrella.”

Got that?  If you have an expensive handbag, for god’s sake, don’t put your purse, diary or brolly in it.  Instead, always transport important items you don’t want to lose in a plastic carrier bag.  Yes, it may cost you another 5p, but c’mon, you’re worth it.

kate in tesco

Princess Kate, safety first
(But try to avoid big blue arrows pointing at your valuables)

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2 Responses to “The Inverse Law of Common Sense: Handbags”

  1. Sharada Osman Says:

    The most I’ve ever spent on a handbag is £25, however as it always contained both my brolly and my umbrella, it probably pushed the value up to at least £29.50. It’s gutting to think I could have bought a staple gun with that money instead. Hopefully your excellent blog will help others avoid making the same silly mistake.


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